I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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