Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
