My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
