Where did you get a picture of my penis
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
