Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
