The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
