drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
