he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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