The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
