I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My vagina just recognized that song.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
