Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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