Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
