Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
