If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Let's paint friendship bongs
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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