my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
