I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
