What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
