Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
