she woke up with a sticky ear
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
