Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
