a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
