There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
