This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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