I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
