im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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