i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
