I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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