tell your sister to shave her snatch
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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