I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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