I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
