ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
