and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize