I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
