Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
