I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
