things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
