The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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