Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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