took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize