I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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