my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
