i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
