im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
