I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
