How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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