you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
