This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
