I'm gonna have a badass scar
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
