my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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