She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
