Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
