Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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