It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
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Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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