I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
