Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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