The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
