Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
