If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
