and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
