Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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